Remembrance of things past
by CharleeNox
Summary: erik remembers his first and only love and regrets how things had turned out. now he's on a mission to change his fate. slash


**Disclaimer: I do not own the X-men franchise nor any of its characters.**

**I wrote this after watching the X-men trilogy and X-men: First Class. That was a long long time ago. Never thought to actually post it as it is not finished. **

In the grand scheme of things Erik knew that Charles was only collateral damage. He was one man trying to stop a war that was inevitable. He died trying to stop a girl he'd reared from becoming like the man he once loved. Yet, as Erik contemplated the death of Charles he could not stop himself from feeling such overwhelming grief. Yes, Charles was his enemy. Yes, Charles had tried and stopped him many times before. But he could not for the life of him forget that he had once loved Charles madly and had contemplated, once before, leaving everything behind, giving up his goal for the telepath. In fact, he realizes now, too late, that he had not actually stopped loving Charles.

When he had left Charles bleeding on the beach those many years ago, he had not had the time to regret ever hurting the one person he'd had the mistake of loving after what had happened to his mother. He was also the last because Erik knew people around him got hurt and he could not afford to leave himself vulnerable to anyone again. Of course he never knew quite the extent of the pain he had caused Charles and thinking about it now, along with the many sins he's committed against the man and the future with him he had sacrificed, made his insides burn. He would not shed tears however but only because he had cried them all out before he had avenged his mother's death.

Erik amuses himself with chess and thinking about the possibility of finding a mutant whose powers where time travelling. He knew now that if he had the chance to go back he would come back to the night before he had murdered Shaw and paralyzed Charles. He remembers it all vividly- the feeling of Charles' skin, those lips, and bright eyes that would haunt his dreams most nights. He remembers sleeping in Charles' room after they made love so that he could hold the man until early morning. Even then he did not want to let go but he had made his choice long ago and that choice had meant that he would have had to give this up.

He wonders what life would have been like if he had changed his mind then. If he had not killed Shaw but instead left him at the mercy of the humans, if he had not tried to kill the humans who moments before where a hairsbreadth away from blowing each other up to turning against their heroes, if he had not paralyzed his friend- his lover. He wonders what life would have been like at the school they had created together when it was finally filled with students. He wonders what it would have felt like to have Charles standing by his side looking over all they'd achieved together.

He knows it wouldn't have been easy. He knows that they would fight a lot because of their many differences. He knows that there would be days that they would be struggling to protect one another and to survive. He knows that one day Charles would have to face his fear of humans trying to eradicate him. And he also knows it would have all been worth it if he had Charles.

He had gotten his wish one day when he had met time turner. He was a young mutant who had a naiveté that had reminded him of the kids him and Charles had first gathered up with Cerebro. He does not look like he has had to experience much of the war first hand. He is eager to find others like him and to impress. He is noisy and he annoys Erik to no end but he is necessary. Erik is tired of this life and he so desperately wants to feel Charles arms wrap around him again.

When he asks the young man if he could send him back to the past, at first, the boy refuses. Too much complication he says. Erik might radically change the future. But when Erik tells him that he only wants to stop his younger self from giving up his true love the boy acquiesces. An inner romantic, Erik supposes. The boy does however warn him that time travelling sucked a large amount of energy out of someone and that because he was old there was a very real possibility that he could die. Erik doesn't care. He already thinks he's dead.

When he is ready to go back to the past time turner asks for his hand. There is a pulling sensation at the pit of his stomach. It graduates to incessant tugging and into the feeling of being split in half. He blocks out momentarily and when he wakes he finds himself in bed with Charles. Like he'd asked, it's the night before the confrontation between the Russians and the Americans. He has no time to enjoy the feeling of being young again, the strength in those muscles and bones. There is Charles next to him very much alive and young, looking absolutely peaceful in his sleep.

Charles startles. He senses that something has changed with Erik without having to use his abilities.

"Love, is something the matter?" Charles says sleepily.

Erik pulls Charles close to him. Holds him for all his worth and says "Charles, I love you."

Something he has never said before but means sincerely. Charles looks into his eyes apparently searching for something wrong. This doesn't seem very much like his Erik. He wonders briefly if it might be Raven in disguise but dismisses the notion. Raven would never. Charles reaches into Erik's mind and is shocked to see memories of the two of them from the future. He sees everything from their fallout at the beach to their fights to Charles' own death. Erik knows that Charles is looking and knows that there is a very real chance that Charles would make him leave afterwards. Charles might not want anything to do with him anymore after all that he has done.

_I'd make you explain first before I decided to do anything as rash as making you leave. How is this possible? Why are you here? _

"You know better than anyone that anything is possible, Charles. You know that normal people don't bend metal or have conversations with other people in their heads. And yet there are people here who do. So travelling 44 years into the past does not seem to me that much of a far-fetched idea."

"This is all so surreal." Erik is pretty sure that this is the first time that Charles has ever been speechless and confused about a particular subject. Somehow it amuses him greatly. He sobers quickly though as he explains.

"I know. As to the first question I got here through another mutant. As to the second question I came back to change the past."

"Why?"

"Because I could no longer bear living in the world I helped to create, a world that was without you. You have seen the things that I have done. Know that I never meant for it to end that way. Know that my intention has never been to hurt you. But rather to protect you from a world I believe would harm you. I regretted my actions too late. My Charles had thought that sooner or later I would have come back to him. I would have come back to him once the war was over but I never had the chance. I had never once thought that he would leave the world before I did. The world that I had left was much colder and sadder with him gone. I had never regretted more, before the moment he died, that I had chosen a different path. "

Charles was awestruck once again. He could not breathe. He had known that they shared a deep connection. He had known that it would have been difficult to escape from the feelings that they had incited from one another but he had not known how long it would have lasted. He had never expected that the two of them would be tied to each other even many years after Erik had left. He realizes now how foolish he had been to be willing to let this man into his heart knowing full well that they had wanted very different things.

**Tell me what you think? Should I even attempt to finish it or leave it to your imagination?**


End file.
